Sunday, November 19, 2017

Self love...

I decided to start on a journey today. One that focuses on self love. Self love has been something that I have struggled with my entire life. I have always been the girl that got bullied and told she was ugly, the one that never got picked to go to prom. My own family has a habit of putting me down instead of lifting me up. I feel that as a result of all that, I have had such a problem with my self image and self esteem. I feel as though I don't love myself like I should and that is unacceptable to me.

A friend of mine told me about this YouTube channel called Yoga With Adriene. She told me that this lady is not like other yoga instructors that pretend life is perfectly zen and nothing is wrong with the world, I was a little skeptical but decided to try her out. I LOVE her!!! She is so down to earth and REAL! She messes up sometimes and goes with the flow because guess what that's what life is about. I have been picking through her videos and have loved all the ones I have tried so I decided to do her 31 day series. It's called Revolution and I think it will be amazing! I just started my first day today and am going to try really hard to stick with it for the whole 31 days. I need to restart my mind and my heart and really find myself and that love that I have been searching for.

In a way I think this blog is really just a public diary for me to get my thoughts, frustrations, and all other feelings out on paper. It is not really what I had planned for it to be when I started it. It's kind of random and a little all over the place, but then again so am I so I guess that is perfect. I will put up a link for Adriene's YouTube channel, I really hope you guys will go check her out and try her videos. I promise she is so amazing!!! If you do try it let me know what you think, I would love to hear your stories!

Until next time...

Saturday, November 18, 2017

The struggles are real...

I find myself sitting here this morning with my cup of coffee and my computer. I am trying to calm my mind down for 2 seconds as it has been going nonstop for a while now and I am driving myself insane. I have a window to the right of me that looks out into my back yard, and as I look out now I see the most stunning Central Oregon sunrise. Seeing those breathtaking moments makes me remember that the universe has my back and that it will all be ok.

I have been dealt some pretty shitty cards in life. At 26 years old I have experienced things most people will never have to in their entire life. I want to share some of this in hopes that there is someone out there going through the same thing and will know that they are not alone. My mother passed away from liver failure due to Hepatitis C. Unfortunately for me I contracted that virus at birth. I had no idea I had it until 2010 when I started getting strange spots on my legs that I now call flare ups. In some cases Hep C causes something called Cryoglobulinemia Vasculitis. In my case my blood has these little "goblins" as I call them, that basically turn my blood to a jelly like consistency and causes the blood to pool in my veins. It is extremely painful and ugly. I have scars that will never ever go away.

About three years ago I saw a doctor who put me on a trio of medications for my Hep C. Sovaldi, Ribavirin, and Interferon. I was on them for not even two weeks and ended up in the hospital with congestive heart failure. It has taken me a long time to get back to where I was before all of that shit, but now my heart is in a healthy place and I am ready to jump back on that drug horse to try and cure my other problems. I was recently prescribed a new medication called Mavyret. Supposedly it has a huge success rate with curing patients of their Hep C and that is why doc wants me on it. Good things come with a big price tag though. I found out that with my insurance and a co-pay assistance card, this medication will cost me over $1000  a month and I take it for three months. What the actual fuck! Normal people cannot afford this!

I feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am so close to being cured of this crud and finally feeling like a normal person again, feeling like the old me again. I used to be so fun and had so much energy, now I am tired and bitchy all the time. I had to open up a credit card just to be able to pay for this. Shit better work is all I know! I am trying to stay positive and remember that the universe wouldn't give me more than I could handle. I thought about doing a go fund me type of thing, but do not like to take other people's money. So here I go on my own. One way or another I will figure this out, the end of the road is so close I cant stop now.

I will do updates as they happen and document my progress towards what I hope will be my being cured. Keep your fingers crossed, pray, chant, do whatever you can to help bring positive energy my way. I will get through this

I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it!

Until next time...

Sunday, October 22, 2017

This guy i know...

Hello there! Today I wanted to do a post about this amazing guy I know. He is kind, funny, handsome, and caring. He also happens to be my husband ❤ I feel the need to take the time to write about him today because I don't think he gets enough credit for how amazing he really is.

Now I am by no means a high maintenance kind of chick. With that being said, I am a little on the crazy side when it come to certain things. I have sensitive feelers and my emotions run extremely high sometimes, to the point where I often question my sanity! It's bad enough being in my own head dealing with all this b.s., but then the husband has to deal with it too and that just isn't fair. He is not the type of guy who shows his emotions very well (other than anger and frustration) and he is not the best at sympathizing with someone or comforting them. He does his best though and I am learning to just be happy with the little bit that I get, because he does do so many things for me that make me happy.

I have been married to this man for 4 years now, together for 6 and if there is one thing I have learned it is to be patient. We get frustrated with each other and sometimes get sick of each other...that's totally normal! Another thing I have learned is to appreciate the little things. There are so many special moments I have with him and I know he doesn't think they are a big deal, but they are to me. He just took me out to the pumpkin patch earlier this week and let me pick out this giant 34 pound pumpkin. He waited patiently while I snapped some pictures and loved on the sweet miniature horses. He waits for me because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. This has to go both ways though! I will often go "help" him work on the vehicles and even though I really am not that big of a help, I am still out there taking interest in something he enjoys. You don't have to love everything the other person loves, but you should at least try to take some interest in it or at the very least support them.

My husband is a complicated man, but he is kind and he is honest and he is real. He is the type of guy that will always have your back in any situation. I have seen him help so many people, some he didn't even know. When we are little girls we always read the stories about the princess meeting her prince charming who is beautiful and perfect and sweeps her off her feet. This might be realistic for some people, but for the rest of us there is a real life version of prince charming. Mine I met in my brothers kitchen late one hot August night. I was sweaty and nasty after dancing my ass off to Joan Jett and the Blackhearts at the fair. I saw him and stopped dead in my tracks. He was buff and oh was he gorgeous, I think I melted into a puddle right there on the floor in front of him. We ended up spending the night slightly drunk and arguing about Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails. We fell asleep on the floor together and the bastard snuck out the door while I was sleeping, not even a goodbye. Being the crazy person I am though, I tracked him down and the rest is history.

The point to this long random story is to find your real prince charming. He is the man who will love you unconditionally no matter what your flaws are or what life throws your way. He will be kind and sweet, but will also drive you mad. If you find the guy that you want to punch in the face but kiss fiercely at the same time...keep him! He will make you happy!

Until next time....

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Fall again...

It's that time of year again. Time for pumpkins, leaves, cozy sweaters, and hot cocoa. Oh and it's time for me to create new Halloween looks! I have ALWAYS had a deep crazy love for Halloween and all things scary/horror. I got that love from my father, so shout out to that cool cat ;) He used to dress up when he took us trick or treating and I always remember him decking out the house to make it look spooky. As I got older I started getting more into doing Halloween makeup and that has stuck with me. I watch TONS of youtube tutorials and am always amazed at how well these people transform themselves into someone or something else.

In the past I have done simple things that just involved eyeshadows and such, but the last couple of years I have started learning how to use things like liquid latex.  I am learning though that there are so many possibilities with just good makeup and brushes. This year I have decided to be Billy, the doll from Jigsaw. It's a super simple costume and really easy makeup. I will definitely be including picture from when I dress up for the annual Halloween party we go to! In the mean time though, here are some looks from previous years. Let me know what you think. Things I should try or avoid. I would love to hear your opinion!

One of the first look I ever did!

sometimes the hubby lets me do his makeup too :)
As you can see I typically stick with some sort of gore look, but about every other year or third year I will do something different just to switch it up a little. Probably not going to be any gore this year...but then who knows!

Until next time...

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Starting over

So I started this blog a few years ago and never really did much with it. I would post random things occasionally, but didn't care too much about posting regularly. I would like that to change. So what I decided to do is delete all of my old posts (trust me they weren't a loss) and start all over fresh and new. I want this to be a sort of documentation of my life and I want to share things on here. Things that I learn along the way and just everyday living kind of stuff.

I do have an array of health problems and so, live a pretty healthy lifestyle. I am often asked what I do to keep healthy and thin, in this blog I want to share my secrets (which are not so secret). I do love this life I live and I want to do all that I can to stay here as long as I can. I am a lover of essential oils and all things natural!! Unlike most people these days, I do not take many prescriptions and stay the hell away from processed junk as much as possible.

I am married and have two beautiful doggies who are my babies. I will be including them in my blog postings of course. My husband likes to live the same kind of lifestyle I do which makes it SO MUCH EASIER!!!! When you have a support system in place it is 100 times easier to stick to things like meal plans and workout goals. Those kinds of things are extremely hard to do on your own and that is why so many people fail, because they don't have anyone cheering them on or doing it right there with them.

I hope you all keep tuned in to what I am doing and I hope you find this blog both entertaining and helpful :)

until next time....